As your child is screaming, throwing toys or refusing to listen, it can be easy to say something you don’t really mean when reminding them how they should be acting.Disciplining kids is tough, especially if you’re also feeling frustrated or mad in the moment. But many of the ways today’s parents were disciplined as children are actually problematic – and experts warn that those approaches shouldn’t trickle down to the next generation.“Parents discipline the way they were disciplined, even if we don’t realise it,” said Leda Kaveh, a licensed clinical psychologist and owner and director of Washington Psychological Wellness and Washington Insight Solution.“Parenting behaviours are strongly influenced by early attachment experiences,” Kaveh continued, adding that cultural norms around obedience, as well as chronic stress and financial pressure, play a role.If you have memories of a parent disciplining you in a way that didn’t feel affirming, there’s a chance you’re doing that to your child, too. (That is, if you haven’t worked through it in therapy or another way.)Below, therapists share the phrases you really shouldn’t say to kids when disciplining them, and how they can be quite harmful.“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”Statements like “Why can’t you be more like your brother” – or sister, neighbour, cousin or whoever – are harmful for kids to hear.It’s “basically a character attack,” said Nicola Pierre-Smith, a licensed professional counsellor and owner of Melanated Women’s Health in Philadelphia.There’s also a comparison that’s being made, she noted, which can make the child feel like they’re not enough.“You’re acting just like your father.”Similarly, it may be common for some parents to say things like “you’re acting just like your father” or “just like your mother,” particularly if the parents are divorced or in an unhappy marriage. Generally, this kind of phrase is used when focusing on negative attributes of a parent or when the identified parent figure is a “villain” within the family, according to Pierre-Smith.Perhaps your mum is known for acting selfishly. If your dad spits out “You’re acting like your mother” after you act up, you’ll likely associate it with your mum’s “bad” behaviour.This, too, is a character attack, Pierre-Smith explained. “It’s typically not said when there is a positive attribute to the identified person. It is really meant to be a character attack to the child.”Telling kids to “stop crying” or saying “they have nothing to cry about” can make them believe that their emotions aren’t valid.“You’re such a disappointment.”For a child who gets in trouble at school and comes home to a parent saying things like, “you’re a disappointment” or “you’re stupid,” it can be really damaging. These kinds of phrases are meant to shame a child, Pierre-Smith said. This is true whether a parent intends to do this or not.Research shows that children who experience frequent shame are at higher risk of anxiety and depression, and may grow up with self-worth problems.“You have nothing to cry about.”It’s pretty common for parents to shut down any tears or sensitivity during a tense moment. However, doing this is “teaching the child that certain emotions aren’t valid,” Pierre-Smith said.Rejecting crying may also lead to children being unable to name their emotions, she added. Kids who repeatedly hear phrases like this aren’t given the opportunity to develop language around emotions or understand what they’re feeling. “They just categorise them into ‘I’m feeling good’ or ‘I’m feeling bad,’ but not having the language to describe that.”If you slip up and say one of these phrases here and there, it’s OK – but repeating them can be harmful.Most parents have experienced getting swept up in the moment and saying something to their child that they regret. It’s not the one-off outburst that is inflicting harm. Instead, if you repeatedly discipline your child this way, it can be damaging, Kaveh said.“When a child hears language that dismisses feelings or labels their behaviours as a personal flaw, the brain often shifts it into a stress response,” Kaveh explained.“Over time, repeated experiences like this are associated with higher stress hormones such as cortisol, increased anxiety and emotional suppression, lower self-esteem and difficulty identifying and managing emotions later in life … It is a pattern over time that matters.”If you do find yourself saying these phrases again and again, it’s worth thinking about how you were disciplined as a kid and what you may need to do to work through some of those experiences. Your own upbringing might be informing the way you parent, and it can take work to change, but it is possible.“The encouraging news is that research shows parenting styles are highly adaptable. Increased awareness, education, therapy, moments of repair can significantly improve the parent-child relationships at any stage,” Kaveh said.If you find it difficult to manage your emotions when you’re frustrated with your kids, there is “no shame in a parent actually reaching out to a professional or even someone in their school to get support with learning skills,” added Pierre-Smith.Parents can be firm in their disciplining but should also be emotionally supportive.“If you look at the research in developmental psychology, it shows that the most effective discipline is both firm and emotionally supportive,” Kaveh said.“This approach is often also referred to as authoritative parenting, and is consistently associated with better emotional regulation, academic outcomes and mental health,” she noted.According to Kaveh, effective discipline focuses on teaching, not punishment. “This includes separating the child from the behaviour, acknowledging emotions while still setting limits and staying calm enough to model regulation,” Kaveh added.Instead of saying “Stop crying,” you could say something like, “I see you’re really upset. I’m here. We still can’t throw toys, but we can figure out what you need,” she said.This allows children to feel emotionally understood and receptive to guidance, Kaveh said.“Feeling safe does not make kids less accountable. It actually makes learning possible,” she said.Related…Therapist Advice On Supporting Kids When They’re ‘Left Out’ By FriendsTherapists Warn Of Red Flag Signs You’ll Likely Clash With Your In-LawsWonder Man Introduces Viewers To Box Breathing – And Therapists Can’t Get Enough HuffPost UK – Athena2 – All Entries (Public) Read More