As much as being an only child can present with its own list of issues in adulthood, growing up in a big family isn’t always the rosy picture it is sometimes made out to be. Whether you had lots of siblings or step-siblings, or even cousins or grandparents, living with you, it makes sense: when you’re dealing with lots of different people, things can get complicated. Either there are tons of different personalities that can clash and overshadow one another, or there’s a really strong family culture that makes it hard to embrace your individuality.A vast majority of us can benefit from therapy, but when it comes to people who grew up in big families, there’s a specific set of issues that therapists see them bring up in sessions again and again. We spoke to two psychology experts to find out what these are, how they play out, and how people from big families can work through them.“In larger families, you’re dealing with multiple relationships, shifting alliances, and sometimes strained connections between different members,” one expert explained. 1. They may struggle with complex family dynamicsShow us one family that doesn’t have at least some tension come up during big gatherings, please. “In larger families, you’re dealing with multiple relationships, shifting alliances, and sometimes strained connections between different members,” Saba Harouni Lurie, marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy, tells HuffPost. “As adults, this complexity can make family gatherings feel overwhelming or create guilt about being closer to some siblings than others.”When adults who grew up in large families begin to do self-reflection work, they may find they have some big decisions to make about how to deal with family – and even whether they may need to cut ties with certain (or all) members. “Part of the work in therapy is learning to accept that you don’t need equal closeness with everyone,” Harouni Lurie said. “We also look at setting boundaries around which events feel manageable and sometimes having direct conversations with family members about what actually works for you.”2. They may deal with family ‘hierarchies’Closely related to issues of family dynamics is the issue of “hierarchies” within families, where some people are the loudest and have the most influence over other family members, while others fade into the background. “For those at the ‘top’ of the hierarchy, this power may be difficult to see, or they may view themselves as a well-meaning or deserved leader,” Candice O’Neil, a counselling psychologist in the U.K. and founder of Ontic Psychology, told HuffPost. “For those nearer the bottom, it may be experienced as feeling dismissed or diminished; it may lead to their achievements or opinions being seen as less valid or notable than those of individuals nearer the top of the hierarchy.”The way forward, according to O’Neil, is for each family member, regardless of their position in the food chain, to expand their horizons outside the family unit with friends, peer groups, co-workers, etc. “This may be uncomfortable for family members near the top of the hierarchy, who may be used to their voice carrying a lot of weight, while for those nearer the bottom it can lead to increased recognition and help them see other ways of being,” O’Neil said. “In both situations, expanding the family members’ horizons with interactions outside the family unit can help them either listen to less favoured family members more, or help them find ways to convey their opinions to family members further up the hierarchy.”3. They may crave the attention they didn’t get growing upIt’s only human – the more children parents have, the thinner their attention is spread. It’s not the parents’ fault and it can lead to adult children experiencing difficulties related to not having received the amount of attention they needed as kids. “When there are many kids competing for limited parental attention, children may develop strategies to stand out,” Harouni Lurie said. “Sometimes it’s through achievement and perfectionism, other times through acting out or risky behaviours. What brings people to therapy isn’t always this core issue, but as we work together, they often realise they’re still operating from that childhood place of trying to be noticed.”Unfortunately, over time these coping strategies can lead to burnout, a lack of self-esteem, and difficulties in relationships. “The healing process looks different for everyone, but it usually starts with recognising these patterns and understanding where they came from,” Harouni Lurie said. “Then we work on separating your worth from the need to stand out or perform.”People raised in large families might not be aware of the dynamics they’ve picked up to gain approval or attention: “Sometimes it’s through achievement and perfectionism, other times through acting out or risky behaviors,” one expert said. 4, They may struggle to set boundariesIn large families, it’s not uncommon for boundaries to be incredibly porous. “Everyone’s in everyone else’s business, which creates a strong safety net but can make it really hard to develop your own identity or make choices that differ from family expectations,” Harouni Lurie said. “There’s often this deep sense of duty and obligation that makes it difficult to prioritise your own needs. Adults from these families may struggle with guilt when making independent decisions or feel suffocated by family expectations.” In these cases, therapy work will consist in practicing setting gentle boundaries that honour who you are as an individual without feeling super guilty for it.5. Or they may crave more connectionYou know how sometimes it’s loneliest in a crowd? Ditto with large families. “You’d think a big family means automatic connection, but some people grow up feeling isolated within the crowd,” Harouni Lurie said. Here, “the therapeutic work involves identifying what healthy boundaries look like for you specifically” and it may mean asking for more connection from family members and finding out whether they are willing to meet you there. “Sometimes people also need space to grieve the family dynamic they wished they had while building the one that’s actually sustainable,” adds Harouni Lurie.6. They may struggle to form an individual identityIn families that have a strong collective identity and preferred way of doing things, it can be really difficult for individuals to distinguish themselves and find out who they really are – because it could cost them connection. “It is important for an individual to be clear on what family means to them and to consider how much they want to integrate within the family dynamic,” O’Neil said. “They may consider if differences can be acknowledged and embraced in a way that feels manageable. Can the family learn to be more accepting of individual differences in the wider social realm due to their own experiences?” The expert advises individual family members focus on their own interests and relationships outside of the family unit to get a stronger sense of who they are.Progress within a big family may also mean “being curious about who each family member is as an individual and what makes them unique,” O’Neil continued. “It can help to facilitate discussions where this can be explored, but someone can also share who they are and put boundaries in place and acknowledge their limitations. Constructive communication is key.”One struggle people raised in large families can have is understanding who they are on an individual level, especially if that individuality was never encouraged or embraced by the rest of the family.7. They may present with generational traumaWhen there’s been a lot of hurt in previous generations and an unwillingness to go to therapy or do any kind of self-work due to stigma and other factors, this leads to passed-down trauma that accentuates with each new generation. Generational trauma “is felt deeply by the individual and can manifest in serious emotional and physical consequences that can persist into later life,” O’Neil said.When multiple family members are affected, they can also trigger one another easily when they interact, deepening the hurt. “It is important to have compassion, empathy and understanding for each other as individuals, but it is key to gently initiate conversations where boundaries are initiated for future interactions that respect lived experiences and selfhood,” O’Neil said. “I advocate for individuals to seek professional therapy and practice self-compassion around those painful lived experiences. Journaling is also a great way to express feelings without being inhibited by how something lands with another person involved.”Related…10 Ways People Unknowingly Sabotage Their Own Therapy SessionsTherapists Share One Of The Top Issues Children Brought Up In Clinic Last YearPeople With Big Penises Bring These Issues Up Most In Therapy HuffPost UK – Athena2 – All Entries (Public) Read More